The Anti-Guide for Gift Giving
It’s December folks. The season of buying crap no one wants.
Lately, the miracle of Christmas seems to be scoring the perfect present; a myth if there ever was one. You might as well believe a large bearded man struggles down your chimney every year. Oh, wait a minute.
Since October, I’ve been beleaguered by a bazillion online holiday gift giving guides. Apparently Christmas shopping should begin while wearing my Halloween costume. These guides recommend an endless list of ludicrous gifts that will end up in next summer’s yard sale.
It’s hard to even know which guide to use. “37 Unique Gifts They Didn’t Even Think to Ask For” or “42 Holiday Gifts For Almost Everyone On Your List.” Almost? Gee, sorry mom.
Scrolling through these guides isn’t only confusing, it’s empirically a waste of time. Trust me. I’ve been doing it for weeks.
But, rest easy merry gentlepeople, I got this. I’ll simply report which gift guides to avoid, curtailing your spending while reducing excruciating embarrassment. Call me an anti-elf if you will, but isn’t saving face and money the best present of all?
To start, here’s a clunker: “42 Gifts They'll Probably Use Every Day.” Point your attention towards the word “probably.” That’ll tell you exactly how often these gifts will be used. Never.
It recommends giving a five-year journal. That’s 1,825 blank pages. Six hundred more than “War and Peace”! Plus, raise your hand if you’re a woman and have received journals as gifts your entire life. Tell me, why aren’t men gifted these empty books meant for reflection? Does someone think women should write down their thoughts or they’ll forget them? Or that men don’t have any? I digress. Bottom line, no one wants a homework assignment for the holidays.
Another gem on the “probably” list: sweat-wicking workout pants. Who in their right mind would suggest buying your spouse a present that screams, “Get off the couch you lazy bum!” Unless they are sweatpants designed for gulping a gallon of eggnog, skip it.
Avoid this list: “60 Presents That Won’t Be Regifted.” After all, trying to pass off anything monogrammed is plain awkward. Like when my sister asked what the CVF stood for on the lovely set of towels I regifted, I answered, “Obviously, it’s the airport code for Courchevel, France!” To which she asked if I’d ever been there. I panicked and yelled, “None of your business! Merry Christmas!”
Also on this list, a “Jeopardy!” desk calendar. “What is stupid?” That’s what you answer when Mayim Bialik reads “Regifting Last Year’s Calendar.”
This same list suggests more presents that nobody should have to unwrap. Like a terracotta plant pot that reads “Please Don’t Die,” a moisturizing butt mask (don’t ask), and a pizza blanket. No, that’s not a warmer for your pepperoni, it’s a fleece in the shape of a piece of pizza which somehow imparts, “You have no life. Or friends.”
The wackiest list might be “Gifts for Your Stressed Out Friends.” It recommends buying your friend an ice roller - for their face! Nothing says Christmas more than frostbite. Besides, save your money, pop a cube out of your pal’s cocktail and go to town. This list also touts bath bombs. You know what’s not calming? Anything with the word bomb.
Definitely stay clear of the guide “61 Gifts for People who Spend All Day at Their Desks.” It basically says, “Happy holidays, you have a fat …” You get the idea.
A particularly bizarre list is “49 Gifts That’ll Help Save People from Themselves.” It egregiously promotes a water bottle inscribed with the word “poison” and a plastic screaming goat because … well, I actually have no idea why you’d give that. Next summer, I’ll look for one at a yard sale and get back to you.
No matter the title of the list, they all have one thing in common. They claim to save you time. Kind of ironic, isn’t it, when time is the best gift of all. Whether it’s calling a friend, reading to your child, writing your loved one a letter, or sitting around the table sharing a meal - isn’t it the time we spend together that fills us? And, better yet, we can only hope this gift of time is regifted again and again.
Carole Vasta Folley's In Musing column has won awards from the Vermont Press Association, The New England Newspaper and Press Association, and the National Society of Newspaper Columnists.