What Matters Is That It Matters

It’s embarrassing and painful to realize how uncomfortable I was in the past using gender neutral pronouns in an out loud, openhearted way. Embarrassing because I made it about my fear of making a mistake. Painful because it hurt others.

Let me be clear, when someone’s pronouns are they/them, I want to use they/them (or any other pronoun expressed). And yet, in day-to-day life, I was afraid of getting it wrong. Or, in some regrettable amnesia, I’d forget altogether. I got so discombobulated, I’d actually be in conversations where I’d try to use no pronouns at all. 

Everything changed when I realized the terrible impact of not being thoroughly, wholeheartedly invested in getting it right. Because when we know someone’s pronouns and don’t use them, it’s a micro-aggression saying, “You and who you are does not matter.” 

I’m sure for many, misgendering, whether or not unintentional, is out of alignment with their values of respect and fundamental human rights. I’m specifically not talking about haters here, I have no words for them. I’m talking about the many cisgendered people I’ve met who express difficulty using or even trying to use different pronouns when asked; some who act like it’s no big deal to constantly misgender. I’ve heard many excuses. But really, is there any excuse that rationalizes disrespect?

This first excuse used to be mine: “I’m afraid I’ll get it wrong.” A simple sentiment that I now see as alarmingly consequential. Discrimination can spread by kind people not wanting to err, be uncomfortable, or practice something unfamiliar to their experience.

“It’s not grammatically correct” is another common excuse. This is flat out wrong. They/them/their have long been used as singular pronouns, such as, “What is their name?” The OED traces this usage back to 1375. Whether you are aware of it or not, everyone already uses the singular they. 

Further, for those grammar sticklers, even Merriam Webster states one of the definitions of they is “used to refer to a single person whose gender identity is nonbinary.”

Many complain that “it’s too hard.” I think we can all agree that this excuse falls tragically short regarding issues of civil and human rights. More important, who has the real hardship here? I suggest it’s the person who is misgendered day in and day out, month after month, year after year. 

For those who have expressed they are “too old to change,” I don’t buy it. After all, I’ve seen them using iPhones, streaming services, and social media. Unfortunately, this excuse sounds awfully close to the most heartbreaking one I’ve heard, “I can’t be bothered.” This from a family member who was asked by a loved one to use their they/them pronouns. Others act like it’s a huge inconvenience to even try. I can’t imagine the pain of being in relationships where my identity itself is not worth someone’s effort and respect, let alone championing.

To anyone who continues to use any excuse, I’m left with only one question. What would love do? I’d espouse when someone tells us their pronouns, love would believe them. Love would ask someone what their pronouns are. Love would respect the human right for every individual to identify one’s self. 

In “Atlas of the Heart,” Brene Brown explains that “belonging” is a “critical component of diversity, equity and inclusion.” Adding, “In the absence of love and belonging, there is always suffering.”  

After all, as Audre Lorde wrote, “It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.”

For cisgendered people unaccustomed to using different pronouns, remember it’s not about never making a mistake. What matters is that we care. That when someone tells us their pronouns, we’re all in and any discomfort in practicing something different is nothing compared to the impact of someone being misgendered. Because what matters is that it matters. 

So what if you accidentally misgender someone? Simply apologize, correct yourself, and move forward in the conversation. Importantly, don’t make a big deal, like saying, “I feel bad!” Or, “I’m trying hard!” Excessive apologies and justifications only bring focus to one’s self.

The National Institute of Health writes, “Being misgendered (i.e., being referred to with incorrect pronouns) can be an extremely hurtful and invalidating experience. Intentional refusal to use someone’s correct pronouns is equivalent to harassment and a violation of one’s civil rights.”

Let’s face it, it’s not just about a pronoun. Far from it. Fact is transgender, nonbinary, and gender-diverse individuals are currently experiencing shocking and growing amounts of discrimination and violence. Fact also is each one of us can be a strong voice in opposition to such hate. And, yes, for some, it can begin with a pronoun.

Carole Vasta Folley is an award-winning columnist and playwright.