In Consideration of These Nineteen
Nineteen days remain until the end of the year. That is all I will focus on right now. For me, really, it’s all I can focus on presently, although many would recommend otherwise. That I should only pay attention to today. Others would advocate for thinking ahead and the necessity of making a plan for next year.
Me? I’ll hold firm on the 19 days. I shall consider each one an opportunity. Not in a self-help catchphrase, seize-the-day, kind of way, but more in simply being aware of each day, its passage of time. My time. My life. Nineteen dawns and 19 dusks. Approximately 57 meals, 152 hours of sleep, if I’m so lucky, and the myriad of things that come in between. I want to notice all of it, as much as I can. Nineteen days seems a reasonable amount, an achievable goal for my driven-to-distraction self. I'd say it's a decent compromise between “the power of now” and masterminding the future.
This could be a gargantuan task though - or even mission impossible - because almost two weeks into these 19 days rests Christmas. You know, the holiday that starts when you take your Thanksgiving turkey out of the oven? The commercialized Yuletide that strong-arms the meaning of the season and wears out your credit card? That one. This means I will add to my overstuffed life this list: decorating, shopping, attending events, making dinners, baking cookies and pies, oh, and don’t forget to buy a tree. I’ll probably throw in a bevy of carols and most definitely celebrate the winter solstice. A real must this year as it honors the return of light, hope in the face of darkness.
This mightily ups the ante for my 19 day endeavor. Okay, life, I see you - all provoking and anxious-making. But, I’m not going to bite. In fact, you’re on! I will now take this 19 day consciousness-thing as a challenge! I’ll even raise the stakes! Add in a few extra gauntlets as well. Maybe in the next 19 days I’ll get a colonoscopy or have a busted boiler? Imagine the dire possibilities!
“Whoa! Wait a minute! Hold on there,” my better-self yells. And she’s right. Please, there’s no need to add probing procedures or furnace failures to the holiday season. I’m more than content to stick with simply paying close attention to each day of the 19 days left in this year. I do not want extra stressors. No need to be all “Games of Thrones” about it, after all, life is already generous in its struggles and plot twists.
So, what will my plan be? Well, first let me rid myself of any faddish-hackneyed ways to proceed. There’ll be no “19 Steps to Awareness,” no gratitude journal, no mantras and absolutely no cleansing. Or fasting! For goodness sake, I’m counting on the eggnog and tourtière for fortification.
Instead, my plan is uncomfortable to practice and revealing to admit. Here it is: I don’t know. I don’t know how I’ll suddenly manage to be mindful and present for 19 days. Let alone in a row!
Currently, for me, this is a good thing. Believing I have to know how to do something ahead of time has been the incessant fool’s errand of my life. When I’m willing to be uncomfortable to not know how and STILL endeavor towards a goal, it turns out that's the magic formula I’d been missing all along. There are so many things in my life I’ve wanted but because I didn’t know how, I let them go, until they were nothing but an echo of desire in absentia. I have learned the long, hard way it is in the not-knowing where the how is found.
I look forward to the discovery ahead. How will I notice each one of these next 19 days of the year? These precious 456 hours? Check back next year. I can’t wait to tell you.