A Life Changing Course
I recently completed an empowerment self defense course; one specifically designed for women, like me, who have experienced physical and/or sexual assault. Initially, I felt skeptical. So much harm had been done to the core of who I am and to my sense of safety in this world, I figured it was too late for me. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Turns out I’d been waiting my whole life for this course. There isn’t a part of me that wasn’t profoundly changed by the experience and the women who made it happen. Was it easy? No. Was it worth it? The biggest yes.
Unexpectedly, my greatest challenge in taking this course was learning how to use my voice to defuse a potential attack. At first, I wasn’t able to shout the word “no.” A lifetime of unsaid “nos” felt stuck deep inside. This is not uncommon for many women, trauma survivors or not.
It was as if “no” had been erased from my vocabulary, not only because of the assaults, but through decades of conditioning. Women in our society, especially how I was raised, are instructed to be polite, kind and accommodating. We’re taught not to offend the offender, especially men, and, for many, this could mean our partners, bosses and co-workers. It’s either “make nice” or fear repercussions. This is not an exaggeration, there are real aggressions happening to women everyday in what should be safe spaces.
Consider the facts. One in five women in the U.S. are raped over the course of their lifetime. And 50% of women experience sexual assault other than rape. (These figures are considered under-representations.) Look at the women in your lives (mothers, daughters, sisters, wives, friends, colleagues) and know at least half, and likely more, have been assaulted.
There’s more. Nearly 99% of the perpetrators are male. And 85% of these men were known to their victims.
These statistics are shocking, even though I know it for myself. I’m sorry we are in a world where women have to learn how to fight off an attacker. But that is where we are. Before, I had no idea how to do it. I didn’t even know it was possible. After all, how could I defend myself from a man who is larger than me? The amazing news is that this course taught me how to be less vulnerable to attack, proactively recognize aggressive behavior, and deliver powerful strikes if necessary.
I learned that “no” is a complete sentence. I learned how to stop unwanted hugs or touching. I learned what to do if a man grabs me unaware. I learned personal space boundaries. I learned how to use my voice to possibly prevent an attack as most perpetrators fear getting caught or hurt. All of this takes practice, just like everything else I want in my life.
I learned that my freeze response to danger is the same that many people experience. Moreover, it’s science. When our amygdala perceives an attack, the brainstem is signaled to inhibit movement, instantaneously, beyond conscious control. True for our voice as well. The brain’s Broca area, which is responsible for motor functions involved with speech and language, shuts down in a traumatic event. Now, although freeze may be my first response, I’ve learned it won’t be my last.
I also got a rallying imperative to listen to my gut. You know the one; we all have it, though we’re often trained to ignore it in order to appease. This gut feeling is my autonomic nervous system telling me something I want to hear.
It was a gift to learn these many protective strategies. A boon of agency. The capability, authority and right to take care of myself. Where I had none, now I have a choice and options. This awareness and sense of self serves me in all areas of my life.
The Safety Team (thesafetyteam.org), a nonprofit organization created right here in Vermont, delivered the innovative program I took. They also offer a variety of violence prevention and empowerment self defense courses made for women by women.
My instructors (two incredible women) provided powerfully supportive guidance and called us brave to take the class. For them, there are not enough thank yous.
Moreover, to the entire Safety Team: You are brave. As in courageous and intrepid. Greathearted and heroic. Not just for heralding the right for us to be safe but teaching us how.